By Jan Kozlowski
The chapel was cold, but everyone present knew
that starting up the wood stove would be too risky. Even a small smoke plume
would be spotted, even here in the depths of the Pennsylvania woods on a snowy
winter night. Heavy drapes sealed in the dim, flickering light of candle nubs
that played out on the faces of the minister and his wife, and made the bride
and groom's shadows dance on the empty pews.
The minister cleared his throat and began,
"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to join this man and this woman
together in the bonds of holy of matrimony. If anyone here can show just cause
why this couple may not lawfully wed, speak now or forever hold your
peace."
All four turned abruptly when they hear a cough
by the door. "Sorry Father, but if you can, I'd hurry it along, company's
coming."
The minister nodded. "Take each other's
right hands and repeat after me."
A low rumbling began to vibrate through the
wooden floor boards beneath their feet. "I, Amelia Eileen North, take you
Bennett Chadworth Hayes to be my husband. To have and to hold, from this day
forward, for better or worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in
health, to love and to cherish, til death...."
The roaring of the heavy SUV engines surrounded
the small building drowning out Amelia's last words. A minute later the engines
cut off and the feedback whine of a bullhorn assaulted their ears.
"Amelia and Ben, we know you're in there.
Stop this foolishness right now. Open the door and let us in."
There was no response from the church.
"Giving us the silent treatment is almost as
childish as running away. We'll give you to the count of three to come out of
that shack. If you don't, we're going to send in the first team. We will not
allow you to get married like this. I'm starting the count. ONE. Lighting
people, get those generators started. TWO. Set decorators, designers and trades
people get ready to advance. THREE. That's it. First team march. We want this
hovel completely transformed into something befitting the location of the
wedding of my daughter and we want it done two weeks ago."
The small group inside was frozen in tableau
listening to the Mama Drama raging around them.
"Kids, if you're going to do this, you'd
better get going. I'll do my best to hold them off, but I don't know if it will
work or how much time I can buy you."
"Thanks Daddy."
"Yes, thanks Mr. North, I mean...Dad. I,
Bennett, take you Amelia..."
Mark North pulled the curtain aside, sizing up
the advancing swarm of his wife's wedding soldiers. Being America's Domestic
Diva paid well and gave her lots of power. She got whatever she wanted whenever
and wherever she wanted it. And she wanted this wedding to be HER crowning
achievement, to hell with what the kids wanted.
Amelia put up with it for as long as she could,
but when she finally came to him she was close to a nervous breakdown. It had
been his idea to sneak away to this small chapel on the property of old family
friends. He had been counting on Susan forgetting about this place, but
obviously he memory wasn't as impaired as her common sense.
Mark took a deep breath and opened the door.
Behind him he heard his daughter begin to recite, "With this ring..."
He stepped out into the blinding glare of the
headlights, his right hand holding his Blackberry in front of him like a
shield. He roared into the faces of the advancing troops, "CALL THEM OFF
SUSAN, OR YOU'LL BE VERY SORRY."
"Mark, you S.O.B., I knew you were behind
this," she screamed back at him through the bullhorn.
"Susan, we need to have a private
conversation or I will send your ass around the world, literally."
A couple of seconds slipped by as the true
meaning of his threat sank in.
"You wouldn't dare."
"You know I would."
"All right, everyone take a break, go back
to the cars and wait until I call you."
The crowd turned and parted as Susan pushed her
way through to join Mark in front of the church door.'
"Susan get these people out of here now or I
WILL send that old video of Naughty Susan's spanking and naked corner time to
every news organization in the free world. It's all set up, all I have to do is
press the send button."
"You're bluffing."
"Try me. One more word and the world will be
staring at your rosy red behind while they check out their groceries next
week."
She knew that tone. She hadn't heard it since
that video was shot years ago. She looked into his eyes and saw everything that
had always been there, everything that had made her fall in love with him and
everything that she had forgotten in her drive for something that didn't seem
especially important, or fun anymore.
"EVERYONE OUT, NOW!!!" she bawled at
the line of SUV's, waving them all away. "DOUBLE PAY FOR ANYONE OUT OF
HERE IN 30 SECONDS OR LESS!"
Ten seconds later they were alone.
Ten minutes later they were waving goodbye to
their daughter, her husband and the minister and his wife as they headed to the
airport.
Ten months later a small article appeared in the
American Inquisitor- New Grandmother, Domestic Diva announces an interesting and
eclectic line of new products said to include hairbrushes, spatulas, wooden
spoons and various leather accessories.
